Plunge
by Gecko Osco
Summary: Companion piece to “Flicker.” The drop always looks daunting, but sometimes taking the plunge is the only way to heal. Warnings: Tsuzuki POV, yaoi, mentions of suicide, unabashed man smut.


Plunge

Pairings: Tsusoka

Rating: R

Warnings: Stream of consciousness, yaoi, suicide mentions, unabashed man smut, Tsuzuki POV

Summary: Companion piece to "Flicker." The drop always looks daunting, but sometimes taking the plunge is the only way to heal.

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or storyline of Yami no Matsuei…I am but a poor college student attempting to entertain herself.

Reviews are greatly appreciated!

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_**Plunge**_

It's another one of those days…another one that just seems to mock me, as it ends, as another day that I let pass me by. This usually wouldn't really matter to me, I'm an immortal Shinigami who as all the time in the world; but the day mocks me because I've hidden behind the smile too much to let anyone near. Most smiles are comforting and inviting, but not mine…it's just something I've gotten used to wearing that serves no purpose other than to deter others from thinking there's something wrong. I'm not really sure when I first began wearing it, I just sort of did, and now I can't seem to shake it off. Not that it matters too much, most of the people at work don't question it…

Except one.

I look up and notice that he's fallen into another one of those daydreams, the ones that make him distant and even more unapproachable than me for the rest of the day. I know he hates it when I call him this, but there really isn't nay other word to describe him…he's beautiful. He would disagree, but he doesn't see what I see; he doesn't see the brave soul who risked everything to save a hopeless man from a fire of his own design that I see. His blonde hair, sandy and golden colored, falls around his face in a careless fashion, and his long bangs hide the deep verdant eyes that always seem to stare right through me.

As I stare at him, I marvel at how two different people can be so alike…in both past and present. We both were alienated as children due to something we couldn't help, something we just happened to be, and both wear masks because of that now. We both seem to care too much for others and not enough for ourselves…we both don't think we're worthy of it. We both have had the misfortune of having Muraki Kazutaka terrorize us, him in his past and me in my present. And we both run from something that scares us…I wonder if for the same reasons.

I ask him if he's all right, a question that he abhors but I can't seem to stop asking, and he looks up at me with the startled look of someone brought back to the present after traversing the mind. He says he's fine, in an annoyed tone after he darts his eyes away…like he's afraid of something I'll see there. When will he understand that there's nothing there I could ever hate…only things I can love. I wish I had the courage to say this to him, I really do, but every time the words start to come, I just feel as if he's better off in the dark. What could someone so full of life see in someone who spends his time trying to end his?

He makes some rude comments about how I'm too lazy to do my half of the paper work, and I slip into my usual role of the "lazy baka" almost too easily…I'm not even making him work for it. I respond in a usual pout he'd come to expect and immediately direct my attention to Watari as he comes into our office with some delicious looking chocolate cake. Most find my sweet tooth silly and childish, and it probably is, but it's something that's never changed for me…not when I was alive, not when I was trying to kill myself, and not in my death. It's something that's mine…I suppose that sounds trite but I can't help if it's true.

Watari tries to wheedle me into acting as a test subject for a new potion of his, I'm not sure if he knows what it does, and I don't care to find out as I try to snatch the cake away from him. This is something we always do, like a ritual, and it makes me feel better than any pity looks I receive…Watari doesn't treat me any different after the Kyoto incident, and for that I'm grateful. It's bad enough for me to remember it, how can I move on if everyone keeps giving me looks of sympathy for what happened? Tatsumi gets it too, and speaking of my former partner…

"Tsuzuki-san," he says in that formal tone of his…he really needs to relax sometimes. "I think something may be wrong with Kurasaki-kun…"

I notice that Hisoka is no longer across the way from me and Watari, and I listen to Tatsumi tell me how he left only a few minutes before, looking ill and edgy. Watari tells me that I should go after him and see what's wrong, and I can tell that Tatsumi agrees, but I'm still a coward and try to pass it off as nothing. He's just being moody, I say, usual Hisoka. Inside, I'm worried sick about the blonde and want nothing but to hold him and tell him he's safe…but he wouldn't like that too much.

The secretary and scientist exchange a knowing look, the one that pretty much tells me that they know I'm full of shit, and Tatsumi tells me that sometimes to get over a fear of heights, one must just take the plunge and hope for everything to be all right. Why he tells me that, I don't know…he knows I'm terrible at analogies. He leaves, and I'm left with only Watari, and 003 on his shoulder, who smiles at me and winks at me with his amber eyes. He pats my shoulder and murmurs something before leaving me, something that rings in my head and cracks through my fears.

"You know, Tsuzuki-san, sometimes people need to heal together…it helps when someone else knows what you're going through. Bon needs that…and you're the only one who can do that for him."

I don't even notice him leave and follow after my old partner, so absorbed in my own thoughts. He's right…we both need each other to heal. I remember what one of the librarians told me once about Hisoka, and suddenly I understand why he's running. I feel my purple eyes, the ones I hate but Hisoka always seems to compliment, narrowing and I'm suddenly determined for us to stop running…so I run after him. Wakaba and Teramazu give me odd looks as I sprint out of the office, my trench coat flapping behind me, but I don't bother to explain…Watari will be happy too I'm sure.

The wind is cold against my skin as I dash down the familiar roads on Meifu towards where Hisoka lives, but it's a nice change from the warm weather we've been having lately. As I follow the blonde's path, I find myself drifting back into memories where he let me glimpse the person under the mask, and the pain I was always met with. And not the pain inflicted on him by Muraki…but the other that makes him distrust everyone, including himself. I saw it that last day aboard the Queen Camellia, in the helicopter when he told me the blood on his hands was Tsubaki's…and he let me hold him. And, I remember thinking that he couldn't stand his existence almost as much as I couldn't in that moment.

I almost trip over myself with what I just thought…as much as I couldn't, that's past tense. It hits me like a freight train, the idea that me living isn't terrible; I guess I haven't really thought about it before, but now that I do, I know I haven't felt that way since Kyoto. And I know why too, and he's running away from me and if I can't get to him, I might lose him.

The sun is setting and the moon is peeking out from the clouds, bright and full in the sky amidst the stars, and I find myself standing outside his apartment building, pausing for some unknown reason. I didn't know I'd get here so quick…guess I was running harder than I thought. A feeling of doubt flashes through my mind as I stare at the entry way to the complex, a feeling that this might not be what he needs. I know his history better than most…maybe this will just make him skittish around me too. Maybe he won't see me and will see something else…something with silver eyes and a cruel laugh.

"Hisoka…"

I murmur his name to no one in particular, maybe just the night. I've been known to just say his name from time to time out of the blue…like it's some kind of prayer. I know he's not some kind of angel, despite how he looks and what our job description is, but his name just seems fit to be said like that…like Muraki's sounds like a curse. I don't hesitate nay longer, pushing the doors open wide and bounding up the stairs two at a time until I reach is floor; the sun's gone now and only the moon remains.

I arrive outside his door and knock at the door more than a few times, just in case he's not in the entry room. He wasn't far though, because I'm met with his wide, jade gaze after only the tenth knock or so…looks like he didn't feel me trailing him. This means he was focusing on other things that hurt him…this needs to stop. I fix my features into a calm expression that I don't feel inside as I enter his home without waiting to be invited, and ask him to stop running when he shuts the door. It doesn't matter anymore how schooled my features are, my eyes are giving me away as I look at him in a desperate way that mirrors the fear I have of screwing this up.

His eyes just go wider, but he doesn't say anything so I step towards him…but he steps back. I can't let him run away and hide anymore, we need each other to heal like Watari said, and before I know it, his back is against the wall and fixing me with a glare I expected. He tells me I don't know what I'm talking about, and I feel my temper rising; but not at him, at the bastards in his life that have made him this way. I'm not even sure I know what I'm doing, but my arms trap him on either side of his slender form and I bring my face closer to his.

"Yes, Hisoka, I do."

I tell him he's hurting himself and I can't allow it anymore, with a bit more force than I originally intended to. I tell him how his friends at work are worried about him, about how he doesn't look good, and I tell him how worried I am about him. That's probably the understatement of the era, but I know he feels what I'm sending his way…nothing but the truth. Can you feel it, 'Soka? Can you feel how much I care about you…your eyes do but the rest of you is still in denial.

"Back off, Tsuzuki." You say it with the false anger you use to disguise your fear and uncertainties…just like my smile. We're almost too alike, you and I.

He tries to break away from me, but I can't allow that now…because I know if I do, he won't come back. I grab his arms and hold him in place, trying to shove the startled look on his face out of my mind…I can't focus on how cute it makes him look right now. I ask him what I asked him in my mind only moments before, whether or not he can feel what I feel for him, and tell him what Watari told me, how we need each other to heal the wounds our lives, and afterlives, gave us.

"I don't need help!"

I respond that he does, that we both do, as I give him a gentle shake in my frustration, bring him closer to my face than before. I can see him wavering, the mask is beginning to crack, and I know that I have to show him what it feels like to be loved, show him along with tell him so that he can understand. I duck my head down and can see those bright green eyes widen for a second before I close my eyes and brush against his lips softly with mine. He's so soft, like silk, and he tastes like winter mint, cold against my warmth. He needs to open up, he has to, or else, I won't know how to help him…please understand this Hisoka!

I pull away and look back into those tormented green eyes and wait for him to say something. It's a horrible feeling, the waiting, and I find myself wondering if I did the right thing…was he ready for this at all? Would he retreat even further, leaving me alone again? No…I remember what he told me in Touda's flames…he doesn't want to be alone anymore…you spoke the truth that day, Hisoka, believe it now.

"Why do you care so much?"

It's spoken in a quiet whisper so full of confusion and emotion that I can't help but shift my arms to wrap around his trembling form…I wonder if he even knows he's doing it. I tilt up his chin and look at him with a naked look…maybe he'll open up if I do too…and I tell him because I always have. I tell him about how similar we are, and how we need each other to get past what has happened. Few have seen horrors like we have, and we need to just stop being afraid because our past dictates that we should be. It's not the past anymore. I tell him everything I'm feeling, everything to make sure he hears, and tighten my hold on him as if he can slip away at any moment, because I know he still can. I tell him that I need him to love me, just for being me, and he needs me to show him how.

"I don't know how…"

"I don't care, you'll learn."

One of my hands goes to his hip, a brief hesitation is all I allow. I will not make him think about that night, this is different…I'm different.

"I don't want to be alone anymore…"

I know he doesn't, and I tell him that he doesn't have to worry about that anymore. I'm never going to leave him, not ever again if I can help it, and I try my hardest to send that determined thought to him through his empathy. My hand moves to the small of his back, and the other moves to cradle his neck upwards as he mutters something I've heard him say to me countless times.

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Tsuzuki."

"I'm not." And I mean it…I feel it so strongly that it must make it true.

I kiss him gently a second time, slightly longer than the first but no more than a second before pulling away to look back into his beautiful eyes, eyes I can drown in. And then, I see something pass over his face that makes my heart thump in hope, something that reminds me vaguely of a dam breaking, and he reaches up and brings my face back down to his. Our lips meet again, and his hands tangle in my hair as we stumble back into the wall…it's an emotional tide for both of us. I tentatively brush my tongue against his lower lip, asking and perhaps begging for entrance, and he complies with a sound that nearly makes my knees give out.

I've long past pushed my trench coat off and I help him out of his jean jacket before using the wall as leverage to pick him up…we can't keep this up in the middle of his apartment. He doesn't deserve that after what his first encounter was like…this time it's going to be right. He wraps his legs around my waist and I stumble towards what I know is his bedroom…Enma knows I've had to carry him here enough times after a feinting spell due to his empathy. Our kisses have slowed down to a much more sensual, promising pace and he helps me out of my button up shirt and tie without breaking the kiss…does he even know what he does to me?

I lower him down onto his bed and break away to look at him before going any further; his limbs are still tangled up around me and I don't ever want that to change. His blonde hair his ruffled and his face is flushed, but I can't seem to tear my eyes away from those emerald eyes, darkened with what I know mine to be…Gods, please say he wants this. I ask him if he's sure…this needs to be his choice ad no one else's; he says this feels right. I smile a true smile then and capture his swollen lips again right after I whisper the three words that have been in my mind since this boy, no young man, first came into my life.

"Aishiteru, Hisoka." I love you.

I want to erase those scars he has, both visible and not, and I know saying that will help. I don't care if he doesn't say it back right away…I know what he feels ever since he risked his life for mine back in that university basement in Kyoto. It's okay if he can't say the words yet…he'll learn and we'll both heal together.

I gently remove the rest of our clothing as my lips kiss and mark the side of his neck, smiling against his tender skin every time I hear him say my name in that breathless whisper. I ask if this is really what he wants, repeating the question again for him, and he says yes. He's not scared anymore, not when I push him back into the mattress and settle over him, not when I touch him intimately to ease what's coming, and not when I finally do enter him. It's only me he sees…it's only me and him, no one else. It's only my name he calls out as he arches into me and it's only his name I respond with as I feel him around me.

It's heaven, before during and after, and I feel more alive now than I ever did in life…funny how that works out. I can already feel my soul beginning to mend, especially when he's smiling at me like that; it's amazing what a smile can do to a face, he's even more beautiful than before. Not that I'd say this to him, he'd be terribly embarrassed and I don't want that now in the aftermath. I roll over as I pull out and let him drape across my chest, telling him to get some rest, and he does almost instantly.

I lie awake for a bit longer, idly playing with his hair as I think back over what Tatsumi told me before he left…about taking the plunge. I understand what he meant now, I understand what he was trying to tell me. It was terrifying, jumping like that without knowing how I would land, but sometimes the risk is more important than the fear. And as I gaze down at this beautiful spirit that loves me, and that I love right back, I think only one thing.

The plunge was worth it.

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Please do me the favor and review! Oh, and youtube is a beautiful thing…I saw the entire series there and now really want to buy the English version!

Osco


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